Part 32: Episode XXXII: Someday, Somewhere We’ll Meet Again

Episode XXXII: Someday, Somewhere We’ll Meet Again


Music: Kiss Again



Previously on Koudelka, we defeated Finale Elaine and got the ending where she just kinda comically falls down a burning pit and explodes. Everyone felt very melancholy about the entire proceedings. But that wasn’t the only conclusion to the game. Nor was it the canonical one. This time around let’s do things a bit more fairly, shall we?

We came into this battle with Edward wielding a legendary sword sharing the same name as the game developer and that’s just a clear cut case of collusion. Not to mention James with that magical girl Rod and Koudelka with a jewel ripped from the corpse of a cat granting vast magical abilities. Plus there is assorted mystical pendants, holy rosary relics, shirts stolen from the groundskeeper and all kinds of stat buffs draped all over our trio. Let’s toss all that shit out and do it raw and proper!



...Oh, right. She is an extremely powerful unholy abomination. Maybe we actually needed all of that stuff to put a dent into her.



Well, at least we still have Edward to tank and keep he—



...Oh. Well, that’s what all those 58 bottles of Whiskey revives are for, right? We’ll just crack one of those over Edward’s corpse and he’ll be right as rain!



Oh wait, Elaine has the same AI as Gargoyle and will immediately rush past any downed party members she can to make them permanently dead.



Well, fine! Our magic user characters are still fairly beefy. I mean how much of a difference does like 20-30 PIE or Intelligence REALLY make?



Oh... an incredibly significant difference, huh? Well, then. That’s a learning experience.





Well, if nothing we get to see an attack or two this go around that Elaine failed to utilize the first try. Like stabbing Koudelka in the face six times with one of her legs for like 20,000 damage.





Or pulling a page out of Lavos from Chrono Trigger’s playbook and unleashing a rain of energy missiles upon the earth, laying waste to the battlefield.



This could have gone better... But an outcome of the gang getting their shit pushed in might have been our aim. You see, the final and canon ending involves losing to Elaine in the final battle. Nothing is supposed to end on a positive note in Wales. This is actually the most likely scenario playing this game the first time. Barring the completely optional Gargoyle, this boss is a massive difficulty spike out of nowhere. I think I originally got to this point with like two accessories, only one armor drop and significantly less impressive weapons and just got destroyed. Which leads to...

Music: ENDS


VIDEO: Click to Watch Koudelka’s Canon Ending



<pant>



I’m O... K... Just need to... catch my breath... Round 2... coming... right up... <coughs up blood>



Dear God... Is this my fault? Do you blame me? Are you punishing me now because the path to my faith was tainted?



I accept my fate! If it is your wish, then I accept my fate!



<pants> Where were you even keeping that thing?
Huh...? Whuzee got...? I’ll be up... in a minute... Just gotta get... a second wind...



<stands up and starts walking towards Elaine> Ye who has an ear, let him hear! If anyone is to go into captivity, into captivity he will go!



If anyone is to be killed with a sword, with a sword he will be killed!



I am what I am! I AM CONTENT WITH MY LOT!



I have always loved you, Elaine...









And so Father James O’Flaherty opened up a portal to Heaven and casts Holy on Elaine. That’s the last Desperation Move attack of all ordained Catholic Bishops, you know? Normal priests only get access to Curaga at most.



Hey, Koudelka?
Yes?
Did... Did James just summon God?
...Maybe?
......
Is that good?
I don’t have an answer for you.



Well, Elaine certainly doesn’t seem to be a fan. Or is super into it...? It is immensely hard to tell with these ghoulish rubber visages passing for faces in late ‘90s CGI.



Are they getting raptured or something? Koudelka, what am I even looking at here?
Why would I know, Edward?
You’re the magic psychic lady. I thought...
I can cast mid-level elemental spells and channel ghosts. This is a bit beyond my wheelhouse.
OK...



Well, if nothing it seems like God is at least getting off his ass and hoovering up all those evil spirits from Nemeton Monastery. Granted, that’s only a .08% overall reduction in malice and wicked spectral beings from the total Welsh countryside. But at least it’s a little progress.



Also, God is really not into weird insectoid ladies or tattoos, so you’ll need to have all of those removed before you get raptured into the afterlife, Elaine. Saint Peter is really strict at the door about that kinda shit.



<echo> Let’s go home, James. Let’s go home. I have such fond memories of those days.







......
......
Did the old man just die?
I... think he did, yeah.
Huh...
......
So what, n—



HOLY SMOKES! I FORGOT WE SET THE BUILDING ON FIRE!



No! Flames are coming this way!
Don’t be silly! There must be something we can do!
OK... Well, I do know water magic. Maybe if I cast Geyser right in the middle, then it will st—





What the HELL are you doing, Edward!?
Saving you!
Edward, we’re eight stories up! This is a murder-suicide.



We’ll be fine. Trust me...
<mutters incantation>
What are you—
I’m binding your spirit to this monastery in case we die in the next few seconds.
Oh, OK.



...Wait, whaaaa_{aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?}





An overcast haze is the closest thing you’ll ever see to a sunny day in Wales.





In these crazy times, young people push themselves too much.
There was a ladder right on the side of the tower. I’m not sure what all the fuss was about. Hehe.



An so, having somehow someone survived jumping off the top of a clock tower (which evidently is completely non-fatal in the British Isles if this and the documentary Clock Tower 3 are to be trusted) Edward Plunkett and Koudelka Iasant proceeded to pitch a tent and have rough sex in front of Nemeton Monastery. That’s one way to celebrate err... what did all of this qualify as? A job well done? Yeah, sure. Let’s go with that.



Even if Edward didn’t accomplish anything besides accomplishing perhaps the most roundabout way possible to get laid.



Ahh... the sun came out. I’d prefer it a little hazier, though.



Well, if you want me to crawl back in there I’m sure we could find a way to make it a little more hazy.
......
<finger guns>



Sheesh. Sorry I asked. I’m going, I’m going!



We never got a good look at the horse in the intro and even if we did it was in low lighting and mostly obscured by shadows. BOY, that is not a horse model that should be seen in direct light. It looks like they stuck a horse head on a squat cow body. That poor CGI creature.



Good-bye. We’ll probably never see each other again.
I’m NEVER setting foot in Wales again, so...



Hey, your nickname... Zlato? What does it mean? I haven’t even asked you yet. Will you tell me?
When did I tell you my name?
Before, when we were drinking waiting for the old man to mix those chemicals.
I did...? I don’t remember a thing. I never asked but... I... didn’t make a scene did I? I get a little... emotional when I drink.
<sucks teeth> No... You were... very umm... you honestly passed out really quickly. Lightweight.
Hmm...
But your name...



It... it means... “treasure.”



Oh, that’s rich! I’ll remember that. Treasure...



And with that, Edward J. Plunkett gallops off into the wastelands of Wales. Edward John Moreton Drax Plunkett, 18th Baron of Dunsany went on to having over 90 books published and wrote a few hundred short stories and plays and generally had a pretty cool life. Mostly free of any further werewolves, ghosts or resurrected homunculi wives as I understand it. He lived to be 79 and as far as I know he didn’t get his face melted off. Appendicitis, as it turns out. I’m only saying all this because he never shows up again. Despite...



It is it OK, child, for you not to follow him?



Yeah... It’s OK. I have a feeling that someday, somewhere we’ll meet again.



Also I had stolen that horse and supplies to get here. The further they are from me when the law shows up, the better.
Oh hoho!


Music: Ubi Caritas et Amor



Where charity and love are, God is there,
Where charity and love are, God is there.

Christ's love has gathered us into one,
Christ's love has gathered us into one.

Let us rejoice and be pleased in Him!
Let us fear, and let us love the living God!

And may we love each other with a sincere heart,
And may we love each other with a sincere heart.
Sincere

Where charity and love are, God is there,
Where charity and love are, God is there.

As we are gathered.








Video: Final Elaine Boss Battle – Take Two!


Video: Koudelka Canon Ending (It's the ending! Go watch it! To the very end...)



That is it for Koudelka! What a strange, muddled mess of a game that I still like despite its many (many) flaws and... awful no seriously what were they thinking PIE bold game design decisions. I hope you enjoyed the strange, janky ride of this trio of grumpy dipshits. But more importantly, you know better than to ever set foot in Wales.